Mountains, Gayness and Transfiguration
Have you ever been up a
mountain?
I once climbed Snowdon with
my Dad when I was a teenager. No, we didn’t take the train. We walked up it,
well, we did take the train back down. When we got to the top it was a bit of a
disappointment as it was a cloudy day and we couldn’t see anything, there was
no view, our vision was blocked, blinded by the water vapour around us, a great
grey mist.
Mountains are a place of
encounter with God. It fits in with our almost primeval idea that God is up
there, in the sky, and we’re down here. Churches are often built at the top of
hills. One reason is practical, that everyone else can see it. Another is it’s
higher, closer to God.
Now of course we know as
Christians that God isn’t up there. God is all around us, and Christ is all,
and in all. Modern science has shown us that heaven isn’t above the clouds. Oh
and by the way, the earth is round, regardless of what some people think. Yet
still I find myself looking upwards when I want to speak to God, I wonder if
you do the same?
Today we have two readings
all about mountains. I feel kinda sorry for Moses, can you imagine trying to
climb that mountain at his age? I struggle to climb up the bell tower! Though
perhaps that says more about my fitness than anything else. I’m sure the bell
ringers will confirm my puffing and panting.
Mountaintops are places of
encounter with God, but they’re also places of clarity.
Moses receives the tablets from God. Telling him the new laws for the people of God. Giving clarity. It’s the first beginnings of the written word of God, the Torah.
Jesus as the living word of
God, the word made flesh is revealed to the disciples on the mountaintop in a
completely different light. He is revealed as the Messiah, the son of God, the
saviour of the world. It’s a moment of clarity for them.
The mountaintop is also a
place where identity is revealed. Moses accepts his identity as the leader of
the people of Israel, and is shown to be by God.
Matthew includes this scene
in his gospel because he wants to show Jesus as the new Moses, the new leader
of Israel. He is linking Moses’ experiences with Jesus, showing him to be the
true leader of God’s people, and bringing in the kingdom that the people of
Israel so longed for.
So clarity and identity. I
wonder if you’ve ever had a mountaintop moment like this?
Sometimes our lives can be
like Snowdon, misty, grey, unable to see the bigger picture, but with God’s
help we can find true clarity and understand our own identity.
I’ve struggled with my own
identity for years. I’m sure in many ways some of you have too. I’m also quite
a private person, but after the House of Bishop’s 'Pastoral' Statement a couple
of weeks ago on sexuality I feel that there’s something I need to say out loud.
It’s no secret that I’m a
Gay man. I haven’t tried to conceal it while I’ve been here. It’s not something
I feel compelled to talk about a lot, in fact I hate talking about it. As far
as I’m concerned it’s mostly irrelevant to what I do. I hope you feel the same
way.
If you didn’t know, sorry
if you’re shocked. But I mean, it’s pretty obvious really.
My sexuality, and how I
express my love is a core and fundamental part of who I am. I tried to squash
it, to pray it away, to get rid of it for years. I didn’t want to be myself. I
didn’t want the complications that it would bring to my life. I felt that there
was something fundamentally wrong with me. That I was dirty. Sinful. Unclean. Unworthy
of God’s love.
This has caused me a huge
amount of personal pain. Repressing myself for years has caused me to have
anxiety and panic attacks, I’m still living with the shadows of that period of
my life.
Then I had my mountaintop
moment.
I was miserable. One night
I went to a worship session in our chapel at college, and we did a prayer
activity. We were asked to imagine ourselves in the church, and to lay our
burdens down at the altar. For me it was a massive bag with the word gay
written on it.
Suddenly, like on the mountaintop with Jesus, I went somewhere else, and I heard this voice. It wasn’t mine, it was someone else. The voice said;
“You know I love you don’t
you?”
I replied “do you?”
The voice replied; “Yes I do,
I love you. But if you’re going to serve me, you have to stop lying to yourself,
and everyone else.”
That was the day that I
received my identity, I began to own who I am. That was the day I received my
identity in Christ. That finally, I knew to my very bones that God loved me.
I’d always believed that
God loved other people, even other gay people, but not me. It was in a sense a
transfiguration.
Imagine for a moment that
you are out walking with your partner,
and suddenly someone starts shouting abuse at you simply because you’re holding
hands. Imagine how you and your partner would feel?
Imagine that you fall in
love with someone, you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’re committed
members of your church. You volunteer, financially support the church, you are
a cherished member of your community. You decide to get married, yet the church
tells you, you can’t. Simply because of who you are. Yet two other people, who
want to be married in a pretty building, have no intention of contributing to
the church, or even attending after the six-month period is up, there are no
barriers for them.
Imagine how that would make
you feel. It is spiritual poverty, and morally bankrupt.
Imagine that you are told
that expressing your love is wrong and falls short of what "God’s plans are." That your love isn’t real love for your partner.
Does this sound like it
represents the God that is love?
This is what I face. When
we’re talking about sexuality, we’re not talking about an abstract construct,
we’re talking about people. I want you to imagine that you are talking about
me. Because you are.
Jesus said, by their fruits
you shall know them. The fruits of this behaviour, of this theology are
depression, anxiety and suicide.
It’s shown time and time
again to be true, that our LGBT+ brothers sisters take their own lives because
they don’t want to live anymore. This theology is murdering people. That’s not
of God.
The church is talking about
me, and thousands of people like me who are committed, faithful church goers. Who
are told that they are not wanted, loved or respected by the institution we
faithfully, that I faithfully serve.
I’m not particularly
bothered about being married in church. All I want is the freedom to be myself,
to be respected by the institution that I love, which has made its contempt for
me abundantly clear.
I became a minister not to
talk about things like this, or to fight for my own rights all the time, but to
share God’s love with people. To love people, and my gosh do I love all of you,
even the irritating ones.
We are told over and over
again that we are second class citizens, simply because of who we love. Am I really
that bad? Am I really that unclean and dirty by loving someone? Do you think
that I am? That I shouldn’t be allowed to love like everyone else? Consigned to a life of loneliness?
Why would
God make me like this, give me all these feelings, make me this person then
say, 'um, no actually you’re not allowed to express your love.' It makes no
sense.
This is more to do with us,
hating difference. This is a matter of justice. I’m tired of hiding, and I’m
not going to do it anymore.
We are not an issue, in
fact, we’re not the ones with the issue, everyone else is.
As St Paul says, the body
is made up of many members, if the body were just eyes where
would the hearing
be. I am a member of the body of Christ, this is my church as much as anyone
else’s and I’m not going anywhere. I'm on the payroll now!
My brothers and sisters, I
am weak. If you love me, as much as I love you, stand up for me. Advocate for
me. Stand for Deanery Synod. Take up people on their homophobic theologies,
because I can’t do this on my own. It’s only when our allies stand up for us, that
we will be listened to by the church.
None of us should be made
to feel like this, whoever we are, it’s not of God.
Where’s your mountaintop.
What’s your identity?
Everyone of us, our
identity is in Christ, in God’s love. Just like the disciples we can be
overcome by fear when faced with our new identity, or a moment of great
clarity. Yet Jesus comes to each of us and says “do not be afraid.” I am not
afraid anymore.
God is not up there, but in
me, and you too. I will be defiant in my identity as a disciple of Christ, and
as a Gay man. I love you all. Peace.
Wow. Thank you for that. Gives me hope for the future of my 16 year old gay Christian son xx
ReplyDeleteI hope you got a standing ovation after that sermon. I would have given you one had I been there - but there would have been tears in my eyes for the way you and so many other LGBT+ people are treated
ReplyDeleteWonderful! Thank you for being so brave.
ReplyDeleteGraham, I dont know you, but thank you for being you.
ReplyDeleteWow! Such moving words! I was the same, struggling with my own identity, and then on Easter Sunday last year, everything made sense, it all clicked into place
ReplyDelete